Ladies and gentlemen, the Boys on Broadway are officially the best team in the NHL. Let’s see if they can act like a playoff team this time around. The Rangers boast what is easily one of the deepest rosters in the league complete with the elite talent of years past, and now, the elite talent of the future. Artemi Panarin, the Breadman himself, had one of the quietest 120 point seasons in history and Mika Zibanijad’s lettuce is only one-upped by his pure scoring talent. Igor “Shesty” Shesterkin did take a tumble, but still buoys an impressive goaltending unit next to future retirement home beer league legend, Jonathan Quick. In just his fifth year, Adam Fox might be the best defenseman in hockey, this season in particular highlighting his shockingly great offensive capabilities now pairing with the fact he is a speeding wall on defense. On top of all that, they had some of the most bizarre resurgences of the season with Vincent Trocheck having a damn near point-per-game season, Chris Kreider remembering how to bully goalies, and Alexis Lafreniere finally breaking out of his first-overall slump with a fun, speedy sniper playstyle I love watching. This lineup is elite and with Matt Rempe, the 6’7” UFC-on-ice extraordinaire, they’re kinda hilarious, too. Unfortunately, the Rangers have a brutal history with being the safest, most solid pick in the playoffs turned into the safest, most solid pick to lose in heartbreaking fashion. In my eyes, this is a team with a Conference Finals appearance as their floor, but can they finally succeed come summertime?
Welcome to the playoffs, “Winner of the Greatest Wild Card Race of the Decade.” The race for the last spot in the playoffs was only competitive because everyone was equally undeserving of being here, as all five participants in this “ultra-competitive” sprint to the finish line had losing records. The Capitals are outshined by their atrocious goal differential, the worst in playoff history at -37, and somehow by their own journey to getting here as well. The Philadelphia Flyers, needing a regulation win to earn their spot, pulled their goalie in a tied game, a boneheaded move without context. Turns out with context, it was even stupider. Philly had already gotten eliminated by the Red Wings going to overtime less than three minutes before. In the most Eastern Pennsylvania move possible, they eliminated Pittsburgh and gave Detroit the middle finger in one fell swoop by quite literally blowing the game with zero resistance. So now we get the Capitals, a team with an ancient Alex Ovechkin somehow finding a heartbeat in the second half of the season and… nothing else. American politics are the only thing making this team look like an above-average product out of D.C. Their only specialty is passing to Ovi in his office (top of the left faceoff circle for normal people) and winning one-goal games since, I mean, -37 goal differential and still somehow winning? Dylan Strome had a good season out of the blue at least, and John Carlson is still one of the premier defenseman in the league. Those are the only names worth mentioning though. What a waste of a playoff spot.
Carolina Hurricanes (M2) vs. New York Islanders (M3)
Script so nice, they had to use it twice. Here’s a little rematch from last season.
The Hurricanes with a goalie? It’s safe to say the rapture is here. Their high flying offense has not remotely slowed down. The Hurricanes score… a lot. Their bread and butter is either launching missiles on net or springing their young players up the ice to take advantage of countless odd man rushes. It’s an absurdly effective strategy, and now that their goaltending has taken a step up with a healthy Frederik Andersen, who has been a monster-on-ice despite injuries, and rapidly improving Pyotr Kochetkev, they officially have the largest goal differential in the entire league at +66. Their biggest weakness entering the playoffs is just that, the playoffs. For reasons unknown, playoff experience is a different breed — it destroyed the Devils last year and has seemingly shut Carolina down early in many years past. Luckily, they have Pittsburgh playoff legend and dreamboat, Jake Guentzel, who will be the catalyst of what is clearly an all-in push for the cup. Sebastian Aho is as phenomenal a player as ever, and has established himself as the face of the franchise. His young compatriots in Seth Jarvis, Martin Necas, and Andrei Svechnikov, the Michigan Man himself, just keep on contributing. The defense finally found some solidified consistency with Jacob Slavin, Brady Skjei, Dimitri Orlov, and even Chewbacca stunt-double Brent Burns looking damn good at almost 40 years old. The team keeps looking great, and they’re due for a finals run sooner or later.
Now, please welcome the most egregious overtime point merchants in history. Congratulations, Islanders, you were better at losing five minutes after the game should’ve ended than you were at losing normally. I cannot remember the last time a three seed had less than 40 wins. This team is still the equivalent of “paint drying over grass growing” on ice, with nowhere near the rock-solid game plan they once had. Ilya Sorokin, key component in the Islanders’ masterclass of boredom, consistently goes from brick wall to singular stack of bricks you can just walk around. Even with his flaws, there’s a reason this team was so damn good at extending games to overtime 26 times. The remnants of a once-godly defense are still there with Adam Pelech and Ryan Pulock, but with the newly improved piece in the form of sleek, sexy Noah Dobson, due for an eight-figure deal in my book. Mat Barzal had a nice resurgence for the first time since his Rookie of the Year campaign in 2017, and believe it or not, the old guys are carrying the hell out of this offense with Brock Nelson, Kyle Palmieri, and Jean-Gabriel Pageau being the only true complements to Barzal and fantastic trade pickup, Bo Horvat. With the slow death of the even slower style of play, I don’t have as much hate in my bloodstream for the Islanders as I did last season. Still, their bland style of hockey mixed with their terrible record being constantly rewarded makes me pray I don’t have to see them for more than 4 games.
Boston Bruins (A2) vs. Toronto Maple Leafs (A3)
The Maple Leaf murderers, the Boston Bruins, return to the playoffs after the humiliating loss following the so-called greatest regular season of all time, now facing an opponent they know how to make utterly miserable. The most annoying black-and-gold-jersey-wearing team in the league just does not quit. It’s commendable. Godly goaltending duo Linus Ullmark and Jeremy Swayman should’ve been a fluke — and yet here they are, via the power of ultimate friendship. Their core keeps on aging following the sad departure of legend Patrice Bergeron, but the wheels keep on chugging. Brad Marchand and Charlie Coyle just kept on scoring, and the Bruins front office, deadset on getting older, made some moves that worked out because Kevin Shattenkirk and Pat Maroon look as good as ever. The offense is great obviously, but the real star is the defense with Hampus Lindholm and young Charlie McAvoy leading the charge. Am I forgetting someth— you already know it’s Pasta. David Pastrnak is a near unrivaled goal-scoring machine, and the life of this offense, and deserving of every Dunkin Donuts commercial he’s been in. He’s officially a back-to-back 100-point scorer and an undeniable top five player when it comes to putting pucks in the net. Throw in consistent performances from the bottom two lines to back up the powerhouse first line and you have a team that has potential to do damage every single night (as much as it pains me). I hate you, Boston; not as a hockey team, just as an entity from Boston.
Now that the curse has been lifted, do the Maple Leafs dare tread new waters… more than five games in the second round? Auston Matthews is a god among men when it comes to goal scoring. Hate how he does it all you want, but Papi (his actual nickname) officially has a massive 21st-century record with a nice 69 goals in one season. His fellow Leafs, soaking up 40 million bucks in cap space, are still finding themselves slightly worth it with both Mitch Marner and William Nylander having point-per-game seasons and immeasurable potential entering the playoffs. Although they’re a very top-heavy team, they do have depth throughout the roster at the cost of losing youth. It definitely looks like 20 percent of the team is making 50 percent of the money for better or for worse. Unfortunately, they’ve taken the mantle of busted goaltending from the Hurricanes because boy, do they have some shocking nights in net. Despite their goal scoring prowess being numero uno in the whole conference, topping 300 goals, their ability to keep everyone else from scoring has taken a fat nosedive. Morgan Reilly has been their only defensive bright spot on offense, and in terms of actual defense, Jake McCabe has been the best bet, but even they can’t save everything the goalies can’t. The Maple Leafs still have a hell of a big three, and it’s going to be up to them to hoist this team to a cup if the rest of the squad doesn’t buckle down.
Florida Panthers (A1) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (WC1)
The purest underdogs from last season are officially top dogs, or cats, I guess. The Panthers — after the most ludicrous, exhilarating, clutch finals run in recent memory — are back for more. What didn’t pan out? Sergei Bobrovsky, out of nowhere, decided to be worth his eight-figure per year contract with unbelievable performances across the board and now he has blossoming Anthony Stolarz as the backup Florida’s always wanted. Matthew Tkachuk, after his legendary playoff run with last minute goal after last minute goal, unfortunately had a down year… but he was still point-per-game. The NHL hates their players having aura, but man, Tkachuk has got it. He is easily the most exciting player entering this year’s postseason. Sam Reinhart is a shoo-in for the most random superstar of the season, cementing himself as the ultimate power play merchant. He singlehandedly makes Florida’s special teams lethal. It may be one of the most bizarre 57-goal seasons of all time, but who’s complaining? Forever “most underrated” stud Sasha Barkov, Boston-destroying sniper Carter Verhaeghe, and lovable new acquisition Vladimir Tarasenko round out the Panthers’ top lines with very solid depth throughout the lineup. The defense took a step back this season, but if Brandon Montour hits his stride again, it might be scary hours for the Atlantic Division.
The other team from Florida happens to be perennial playoff pests, the Tampa Bay Lightning, who are entering their Penguins era of refusing to not be good for a decade. I cannot wait until they join us in purgatory, but for now, they’re an elite team with glaring weaknesses that dropped them to the wild card. The positives are obvious. Nikita Kucherov has officially snatched the Art Ross Trophy from McJesus, a religion-shattering act in the hockey world. With a ridiculous 140 point campaign consisting of the century’s second 100 assist season right next to McDavid, he is the brightest spot on this unbelievably talented team. Steven Stamkos is back to form with the scariest one-timer in the league right now, and Brayden Point is still one of the most underappreciated players in the game. Victor Hedman might be getting old, and a tad bit slow getting back, but he’s still an elite defenseman whose offense skyrocketed next to Mikhail Sergachev who is so damn good, I keep forgetting he’s only 25. Alongside Andrei Vasilevsky, the Vezina magnet, this team is unstop— alright, here come the negatives. Vasilevsky had a rough season. The consensus best goalie in the league ever since the Lightning won the COVID Cup didn’t even crack the top 16, but that’s not the main issue. This team lives on its power play. Their unit is far and away the best in the league. The problem is they quite literally live on it, because they die otherwise. The Lightning’s even-strength play is often mediocre, but sometimes terrible. The team’s full of spacemakers and shooters, the perfect storm for a fantastic power play, but when the team can’t feed open slap shots or they face real pressure the other way, they fold harder than any playoff team has a right to. With that said, they’re going to the Finals now. I’m sorry.
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