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When I was accepted into Carnegie Mellon University, I never got the opportunity to fly out to Pennsylvania and tour the school. The only schools that I toured for college were the University of Houston, the University of Oklahoma, and Texas State. I remember well enough that campus tours were never anything that I reveled in. Having my parents ask questions for me about the university meal plans and housing options felt awkward, even though there is nothing inherently wrong with a parent wanting to know information about the place where their child will live for the next four years. Tours felt like such a formality. I was posturing to be a student who had an idea of where the next few years of my life would take me.
During these campus tours, I found ways to entertain myself by indulging in fantasies about what it would be like to be a college student. What type of person would I be? Would I finally feel cool enough to commit to cowgirl boots as a staple wardrobe piece? I had a clear picture of myself at the University of Southern California writing sketch comedy, studying film, and wearing a cowgirl hat unironically. The cowgirl hat would’ve been my thing. I imagined myself at Texas State University studying playwriting, going to the gym, and spending countless hours in the sun at the San Marcos River, which was only a short walk off campus. I never toured Carnegie Mellon, so I found it difficult to fantasize about it. I never put time into fantasizing about CMU because it felt like a waste of time.
Carnegie Mellon was a dream school of mine in middle school. I desperately wanted to attend the School of Drama, but as I got older, I pushed that dream aside for more realistic schools. When college applications came around, I decided to roll the dice with my reach application to the School of Drama. I was rejected from the musical theater and acting track before I was invited to interview for the dramaturgy program. When I was accepted, I knew I would attend, but I felt completely unprepared for what to expect from the college experience at Carnegie Mellon.
I am pleased to say that I got everything I wanted and more out of my first-year college experience. I have changed in so many ways from the person I was in high school to the person I am now. I have nothing but Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon to thank for that. I feel as though I am stepping closer to becoming the person I wanted to be so desperately to be in Texas. I have become confident in my ability to seek out and maintain connections with good people. I advocate for myself, I seek out opportunities, I explore the city, and most importantly, I go to jazz clubs and drink lattes now. I am a hell of a lot cooler than I was in Texas. I wonder if, had I developed a sense of who I thought Carnegie Mellon would turn me into, I would have limited my self-exploration to pre-existing expectations.
Expectations aren’t guarantees. Not meeting your expectations doesn’t mean worse, it means different. Expectations often serve an important function in shaping the way college students think about what the future holds; when you don’t anticipate, fear can sneak in and take the place of uncertainty. It is fine to anticipate, but perpetual anticipation can distract you from celebrating the ways that your expectations get subverted.
As students commit to Carnegie Mellon, I hope they find that where expectations aren’t met, they are simply subverted. When seeing first-year students next semester, I hope we will all give them grace as they try and figure out what is going on. I was utterly clueless for the majority of my first year, but only in that limbo of uncertainty can we explore and learn. Only through uncharted territory can we discover and pave new paths for ourselves.
Suggested title: It’s okay if college didn’t meet your expectations
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