By Alex Lewis
The “take culture” that has blossomed within sports has started to give me anxiety. I get terrified imagining the boneheaded narratives anything and everything can get spun into, and I can already envision the steaming hellstorm this NFL season will be. If you’ve been living under a rock (or you’re a normal attendee of an academically rigorous institution), I do not know how to capture the magnitude of this offseason’s free agency with Earth-shattering trades and pickups on nearly every team in the league. However, with this new batch of offseason champions come the inevitable “frauds,” the teams everyone will praise to no end when looking at their roster and then pretend they never had faith in them from the beginning when there’s no Lombardi trophy in sight.
In reality, this is a very positive article praising the moves that I believe bolstered some teams’ chances the most. Alas, I know what the good ol’ “hot take” will do to these teams in the near future, so to feel like a fake fortune teller, they will all be given the inescapable label of “fraud.” Plus, I want to highlight the teams that really got down and dirty for signings.
For example, Atlanta got themselves a new, consensus top 10 QB (that everyone turns on when he is inevitably at that exact No. 10 spot) that should finally give their young offense some juice, but that’s about it. We’re looking at some real grime, at least three “big moves” by — not just mine — but the NFL’s standards.
5) New York Jets
We say this about the Jets every single year. On paper, this team should not be a consistent humiliation to the already humiliating half of New York, but that paper is a flimsy, soaking wet pile of mush. Their QB situation is still a 40-year-old politician, but the moves and that “young talent” always shine above the imminent doom that is the Jets playing football… and I’ll buy into it. Eternally underrated but forever injured WR Mike Williams joins the party to help the young, talented Garrett Wilson. This is a fantastic addition to the often piss poor offense, mostly caused by an awful offensive line which also receives some help from former Cowboy Tyron Smith. That defense is full of studs like the young, talented Sauce Gardner and Quinnen Williams and they’re getting a boost from member of the once-good Eagles defense, Haason Reddick. Great names will never solve the organizational trainwreck that is this team, but boy do I love watching them try.
4) Tennessee Titans
The Titans are a disaster, and not even a fun one. Low-balling the only memorable pieces of the franchise since the start of the decade in offensive unicorn, Derrick Henry, and head coach, Mike Vrabel, was one of the scummiest ways to commence the offseason. Since then, they’ve assembled the “9-8 Avengers” and I kind of love it. I can’t believe Mason Rudolph as backup to psycho white boy, Will Levis, will actually be an improvement. I have got to respect the gamble of signing Calvin Ridley. He really is gambling incarnate because he had the magical power of crafting the most consistently inconsistent statlines imaginable. It was either 15 yards or 150 yards, nothing in between.
When athletes say to bet on yourself, I’m almost certain I could pick the weeks he literally did. Throw in endzone repellent Tony Pollard and you have an overhauled offense that could either be comically fun to watch or actually fun to watch.
However, the real cherry on top was signing Defensive Player of the Playoffs last season, L’Jarius Sneed, a genuine force of nature at cornerback. If this defense can finally mold an identity, maybe 9-8 could become something special… like 9-7-1.
3) Pittsburgh Steelers
If Mike Tomlin voodoo magic could drag the travesty of last year’s ludicrously horrendous offense to 10-7, I foresee no future where this team won’t improve.
The Steelers did a full 180 of their QB room for pennies. They are pieces that should not work, but don’t you dare question the power of Tomlinism. Disgraced short king and Subway enthusiast, Russell Wilson, had over 4 times as many touchdowns as Kenny and mind you, Mitch Tribusky, was the previous “veteran leadership.” The Steelers aren’t even paying 95 percent of his contract. Whether anyone likes it or not, he may unironically be the best Steelers quarterback since Roethlisberger.
And Justin Fields, the project QB to end all project QBs? He’s a brash decision maker, but his dual-threat talent is undeniable, and if providing the player development Chicago never gave him unlocks something, this has potential to be an insane upgrade.
These signings also represent a much-needed change in managerial mindset, delving into risks and experimentation rather than stagnant mediocrity. The perennial top 5 defensive unit has also gotten an improvement with Patrick Queen, member of the far-and-away best defense of 2023, so with some prayers that TJ Watt plays a full season and the Steelers continue their pretty phenomenal post-round-1 drafting record, it’s hard not to see anything but improvement. I will hate my life when they are, yet again, a first round exit.
2) Chicago Bears
If this team cannot pass 4,000 passing yards after all this offseason tomfoolery, I am calling the Ghostbusters so they can hopefully find the curse that is dooming this franchise (and hopefully distract them from making movies).
The Bears management, with the mere idea of Caleb Williams, tricked Keenan Allen, the 20 reception per game god himself, and D’Andre Swift into joining their eternally putrid offense. They decided to grab a piece of the fantastic 49ers offensive line in Matt Pryor and had me questioning if the Bears organization had been taken hostage.
Not signing your QBs up to die painful deaths in the pocket? Who are you? At the end of last season, their defense even started eating a bit too. Now they’ve signed two DBs, Mr. Simone Biles (Jonathon Owens… but who are we kidding?) and even Eagles centerpiece Kevin Byard.
This offense has the potential to be terrifying and in a soon-to-be atrocious NFC North, Chicago might actually have hope. Caleb Williams painting his nails is shaking manly men to their cores before taking a single step on the field, and clearly he’s rattled the Bears as well because I’ve never seen this much effort come out of Chicago in my lifetime. I’ve seen enough. He is better than Tom Brady. What an offseason.
1) Houston Texans
CJ Stroud, I am so sorry. Your management decided to give you a receiving core worthy of Poseidon’s great halls of glory, but now you are subject to a fate worse than death. Fraudulence. I can already hear the agonizing arguments. “He has Tank Dell, Nico Collins… AND Stefon Diggs, but didn’t get a ring?” “He doesn’t even have to throw, he has Joe Mixon, but didn’t get a ring?” “He got Danielle Hunter playing defense behind him… but didn’t get a ring?”
Even if he does win a ring, he’s going to be labeled a fraud for needing “too many weapons.” He’s been in the league one year, and somehow got the Texans of all teams so down bad, they had a look at the man in the mirror and decided to act like a competent franchise.
Combine a newly loaded offense with future starpower beyond belief with a defense full of incredible talent following one of the finest drafts of the decade so far where the Texans pulled Will Anderson Jr. AND Derek Stingley III, now with Danielle Hunter as a ludicrous pass rush threat, and you have what should be an upcoming disaster for the league… and CJ Stroud.
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